Just kidding about that “getting revenge” part. In all seriousness, I expect you will enjoy this blog, as it is The Troll Research Project! In case you don’t know what that is (shame on you), I watched the movie “Trollhunter” so that I could compare mythological trolls to real-world trolls. I will, of course, cover that last, but I strongly discourage you from scrolling ahead to it. You see, the whiteboard question for this issue is not as…stupid…as my other questions have been. This time, we’re talking about world domination. Three brave souls dared to share their secrets as to how they will rise to power. In order, I present to you the plots of Keith, Ian, and Bethany.
Very daring plans, if I may say so myself. Based on this information, apparently Bethany already is controlling the world which means Ian plans to control her. While all that’s going on, Keith is infecting us with internet viruses, so if your computer has crashed recently, you’re all out of luck, I suppose. Better go talk to him about getting an antidote in exchange for your soul…or something like that. The story doesn’t end there. Two years ago, my friend Amanda said she was going to take over the world, and knowing her, it would involve evil, adorable kittens. I am her outwardly loyal supporter, but once she dominates the world and gives me Texas so that I may make it a reasonable country, yes, country, I intend to succeed, if not, overthrow her depending on how quickly my minions develop. And who would be my minions, you ask? First I must tell you how this will all begin. The Renaissance-woman of our time, the physics teacher at Asheville School, Ms. Ciancuilli, loves bunnies. She also loves being smarter than everyone else, so with that in mind, she will breed the first intelligent bunnies. As she instructs them, they will develop ridiculously awesome mohawks as a symbol of their wisdom, and at this point, I will capture them and ship them to Saudi Arabia to meet geometry teacher/school rock band director Darth Craigus (Mr. Craig) who will teach them to play the electric guitar. Then finally, the bunnies with mohawks will return to me and assist me in taking over the world with rock and roll!
Not gonna lie, I feel ridiculous now that I’ve just said that. Kudos to you if you’re still reading. Our next board comes from Mark. It’s absolutely bizarre, and I cannot tell you what’s happening in that picture. I like these boards of his, though. What better way to troll than to BLOW YOUR
MIND?
Seriously, what is happening? There’s a fish…eating an Earth-head who’s reaching out to a sleeping sun…but they’re all on Mars…and there’s a trollface on the moon… If you have any idea what any of this means, please write about it in the Facebook group. This is crazy. It’s so much madness, it’s Sparta.
The next three boards come from Angie. She said they’re all random ones from around her dorm, so…snaps for Cornell trolls! Get it? That’s a Legally Blonde reference…
Oh, great! So we have another person trying to conquer the world? Who is that obnoxious, egotistical airhead, anyway? Chuck Norris? Well, probably not… he would’ve just roundhouse-kicked the letters into his door instead of writing them out…
These next two pictures are also from Angie, but I wanted to have a break here since the letter might be hard to read. It says,
“Dear Isaias [obnoxious privacy censor],
Your room has been sealed due to severe lack of swag and overall scrubbiness. This room came under investigation due to complaints from your neighbors about a dangerous lack of swag coming from the room. Our best brofessionals are attempting to re-swagify this room. Until such time as this room becomes safe to inhabit, no one can enter this room. Also, you have been removed from your position as TA of Swagonomics and are suspended pending investigation into your clearly failed credentials. Thank you and have a wonderful day.
Sincerely,
Dan [obnoxious privacy censor]
P.S. Come at me bro.”
Rude. But funny.
I stole today’s last board from RuthAnn, and she was kind enough to tell me she intentionally left A&M’s mark on the blackboard at the Love Shack burger place in Denton. In case y’all don’t know, Denton is where people live if they go to University of North Texas or Texas Women’s University. So that’s two colleges offended, or maybe one and a half (I know UNT likes us at least a little bit).
Being the good copyright-acknowledger that I am, I went out to find the link to this Love Shack and stumbled upon their menu. I copied the items I thought might be of interest to you.
So…you’re going, right? To that burger place in Denton? I know I am! That place is probably a landmark! Plus they have a different milkshake for every day of the week, and I don’t know about y’all, but I love milkshakes. If y’all know me from Happy Yogurt, y’all know that’s what I get most of the time…except they’re just shakes since they’re lactose-free…and a few hundred calories less…
Last thing about Love Shack: on their website, they have a blackboard that you can draw on here. Facebook people, feel free to use this for any random drawings! To save it, you just hold the function (Fn) button on your keyboard and press the print screen (PrtSc) button. Then paste it on Paint, and cut off all the unnecessary edges.
And now for the moment you’ve all been waiting for… or the point you scrolled to when I started babbling about how I planned to take over the world…
THE TROLL RESEARCH PROJECT!!!
First and foremost, it is important that you understand what the mythological troll is. You can read two short paragraphs about them here. And once you’ve read that, take a look at this diagram by humon on DeviantArt here. She draws out and explains different features that some trolls might have. (And if you ever have an extra moment, be sure to browse her gallery, especially her political comic “Scandinavia and the World”; I don’t even like politics, but that comic is hilarious!)
The second and final part of what you must know is about internet and real-world trolls, aka the people this blog supports. DeviantArt offers a humorous description of such trolls here as well as some information on the origination of the trollface here.
Now we may begin! Basically, the movie “Trollhunter” starts off with three college students intending to make a film about a man who is accused of poaching bears according to locals. A majority of the film is in Norwegian (it does take place in Norway, after all), and it’s done in a mockumentary style like “The Blair Witch Project”. Of the characters, a Cinema Knife Fight reviewer said, “…they’re not half as annoying as Heather from ‘The Blair Witch Project’, so it’s not a chore to watch what happens next.” Quite true. I appreciate that he made a distinction between the two movies, because let’s face it: “The Blair Witch Project” gave mockumentaries a bad name, especially because of that one scene where snot-faced Heather cried to her parents about how stupid she was. What, was that not what she was crying about? Oh… well, that’s all I got out of it. Anyway, “Trollhunter” is quite an epic mockumentary if I may say so myself, and the Cinema Knife Fight guy gave it three and a half knives (I’m guessing that’s similar to a star scale…). You’d better believe him, especially since he’s got all those knives to throw around. Then again, I did watch the movie from a real-world troll perspective which made it pretty funny. Here’s what I got out of it:
From the beginning, the three college students are acting like stalkers, following this poor “bear poacher” around wherever he goes, filming him and asking him questions even after he tells them to go away. They follow his beat-up off-roading vehicle into the woods one night, and after losing him at a fork, they happen to go the right direction until they find his vehicle without him in it. They get nosy and start poking around, and next thing you know, Mr. Poacher, aka Hans, jumps out of the trees and yells, “Troooooooll!” If I hadn’t known what the movie was about, I would’ve thought he was yelling at them. But alas, they scatter, Thomas gets bitten by some large creature, and they eventually regroup at Hans’ car. The little stalker trolls do get a visit from karma, however, when they discover that their own car is completely destroyed and covered in slime. Serves ‘em right.
After that incident, Hans suddenly becomes a teddy bear and allows them to go with him on his next troll hunt even though his work is supposed to be top secret. The skeptical students poke fun at him only to find themselves shaking in their boots when they see a Tosserlad (the Cerberus of
trolls) taller than the trees start running after them. Once they find Hans’ car, there’s this heroic scene where Hans prepares to shoot the troll with a high-intensity UV gun…and he starts singing. He has this deep, rich tone, and I couldn’t help but be reminded of the Trololol song. This melody seemed to lure the troll closer until at last Hans shoots him with the light, and he turns to stone. So I guess if you want to catch a troll, just walk around singing Trololol…and throw them in a tanning bed if you need to kill them. That makes sense to me. After all, I don’t get much sunlight, and I’m a troll. Also I’m pretty sure the amount of sun I’d need to get a decent tan would kill me…
Remember when I said that guy Thomas got bitten? It should be no surprise that he got bitten by a troll. Later on, he starts to feel nauseous, but he presses on with his friends to complete their film journey. A blood sample from another troll reveals that there’s a rabies epidemic responsible
for the trolls’ aggressive behavior and Thomas’ illness. You hear that, trolls? You are infected, and your trolling is infecting other people. Wonderful, I say! After all, this blog of mine encourages that very practice, so keep at it! I just wouldn’t suggest biting people; that nonsense is for Twilight. I do need to warn you, though, that no matter how you troll, the government is after you and seeks to kill you and prevent anyone from knowing about you. Yes, it’s true; the teddy bear Hans works for the government and therefore cannot be trusted. So if we, as trolls, hate the government, I suppose that makes us all anarchists.
There is other valuable information about trolls to be gleaned from the movie. For example, the veterinarian said they are mammals, as are people, which explains how it is possible for people to become trolls. Also, if you read humon’s diagram, you would notice she said trolls tend to look like normal humans. The next bit of info that is useful to know is that when trolls roar, they sound like auto-tuned cougars. Now let me ask you, what do internet trolls tend to do with a video that’s not supposed to be funny? They auto-tune it. Do you remember the YouTube video “Best Cry Ever”? Trolls auto-tuned that, and if you don’t believe me, you can go here. (Getting tired of how many links I have? I could make my own series of Zelda games with all of these! Get it? ‘Cuz “Link” is the name of the main character in the… know, what? Nevermind.) The third basic fact I learned about trolls is that they can live anywhere from one thousand to twelve hundred years. We know that human bodies can’t live that long, but don’t we consider ourselves to live through our future generations and legacies? I’m telling you, trolling lasts a long time, and we’re talking millenniums. And speaking of lasting a long time, Hans did say that as trolls aged, they gained extra heads, which for males made them more attractive to females and more intimidating to other males, essentially making them better trolls. This might explain why senile, old people get crabby and start trolling better than any of us would ever have the nerve to.
The fourth and final basic fact I learned about trolls from this movie is very interesting and deserves its own paragraph. Hans had asked the students in the first part of the movie if any of them believed in God, and the implication was clear that he did not want them with him if they did. They all said they didn’t, but at one point when they were trapped in a cave waiting for a family of trolls to leave, the camera guy, Kalle, panicked and revealed he was a Christian. His frantic confession alerted the trolls of their position, and as they all attempted to run away, guess who got eaten? The Christian. Later, Thomas and Johanna called upon a Muslim camerawoman to take his place. Now, you would agree that Muslims believe in God, yes? But how do you explain the fact that the troll she saw paid no special attention to her? And why did Hans use the blood of, specifically, a Christian man to lure a troll his way earlier in the movie? See, I don’t think believing in God is the issue with trolls. I think what trolls find tasty in human blood is them believing in Jesus as the Son of God. And then I point to the fact that trolls have very big
noses which, wouldn’t you agree, is a Jewish trait? I’m just saying, Jews and Christians have their little debates now and then just as real-world trolls and normal people do. And if you’re just so astonished and offended that I went there, please feel free to isolate yourself until you learn to laugh. Let’s face it; the connection that movie provides is hilarious.
That is all I have for you tonight on “Trollhunter”. There are other funny moments in that movie and even a couple of trollface grins, but if you want to see those, you’ll have to watch the movie yourself! Click the picture below to go to the official website, and you can see the trailer. If you want to see the whole movie, it’s available on Netflix.
I hope you enjoyed this issue of WB&TR! Saphira is counting your views, and she told me to remind you to CHECK A REACTION BOX BELOW. Have a wonderful week, and, as always, keep trolling.
Troooooll!
